I originally thought the expression “Happy Wife, Happy Life” was of Oriental origin, because it seemed like the kind of thing you’d find in a fortune cookie.  However, my Google search on the term brought up no Oriental sources.

The search for “Happy Wife, Happy Life” did in fact bring up a website www.happywife.com, the work of Rabbi Aryeh Pamensky, who offers many marriage improvement resources (including his own books, tapes, seminars, etc.) on the site.   The term, however, does not seem to be derived from Rabbinic literature, and according to Pamensky, his courses and materials are used by people of difference faiths other than the Jewish, and also by secular couples.

The adage is confirmed by a 2009 German study of Australian divorces that notes where there is a disparity on satisfaction of the husband and the wife, divorce is much more likely, especially if the relative dissatisfaction is experienced by the wife.  http://economix.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/01/29/dont-become-happier-than-your-wife/

Then there’s www.yourhappywife.com.  This site seeks to assist husbands in making their wives happy by helping them choose presents for their wives, which can be conveniently ordered on the website.  Actually, the wares are quite attractive, including eco-soap and herbal teas. These might certainly pave the way for a clueless husband seeking to make his wife happy.  In addition, the husband needing further help can email the site and pose his marital question or problem. “Within 24 hours or sooner”, the person(s) operating the site will respond with the best advice they can give.  The site notes that all emails will be kept confidential and, in order to receive the best advice possible, that honesty is expected from the husband seeking advice.  (I’d like to be a fly on that wall!)

As Rabbi Pamensky says on his site, “A happy wife is a happy life.  It’s just that simple.”

But is it?

George Pransky, a psychologist in Washington State has another theory of marital dysfunction.

His theory is that a person’s own mental/emotional state is the biggest indicator of whether the marriage will work well.  If two people have a low mental or emotional state, Pransky says, marriage enrichment or marital therapy is like spraying for mildew in a damp basement. It never works as a long-term cure.  In his marital counseling, Pransky tries to elevate the couple from the damp basement into an environment of good mental health.  It is only then,  Pransky says, that people can truly work on their marriage to make it  thrive and survive.  Prasky’s book, “The Relationship Handbook”, is a great resource for those couples who want to elevate  their mental state and start working on their relationship.  You can order a copy through www.amazon.com.

So perhaps the more accurate stating of the adage is “Happy Life, Happy Wife.”  Or even “Happy Life, Happy Husband.”

Laurie’s Menorah 2009

by Laurie Israel 

They say miracles don’t happen anymore.  Miracles were in the Bible, like Judah Maccabeus, and the candle that burned for 8 days and nights, without oil.

Well, just yesterday, I experienced a miracle (actually two of them) with my iTouch. This is what happened.

A couple of months ago, I purchased an iTouch.  This is essentially an iPhone, without the phone service.  (That way, I don’t have to spend $70 a month for it.)  I bought it to get a certain art application (“application” now known in computer lingo as “app”).   An app is essentially a program which you can download onto the iTouch, which is, itself, essentially a computer.  The app I was interested in was “Brushes”, where you finger paint on the little iTouch computer screen.  If you are a really good artist like Jorge Colombo, you can make New Yorker covers. 

If you’re like me, you make little fun things you can enjoy, and sometimes put them in the kaleidoscope app program (Kooleido) to make them look every more funny and interesting. I was extremely pleased with my little iTouch, which in itself is a miracle.  No, I am not on the payroll of Apple Computers, its producer. 

Through the Looking Glass, 2009, Laurie Israel

After downloading Brushes, I got hooked, and began to download more apps onto it.  The apps generally range in cost from free to $3.99.  The most common price is 99 cents, followed by $1.99.   You can get a lot of amazing applications by searching.  For instance, music brought up a fabulous little ocarina, bringing back memories of a childhood where I was musically obsessed, a trip to Newark on the bus at age 10 with a friend, and the purchase of a wonderful little ocarina, which is a musical instrument made out of crockery for about $3, which was my life savings at the time.  (During that period, I somehow obtained and poured through catalogues of accordions, mesmerized at the different pearlite  finishes available.  As a little Jewish girl, accordions and pierced ears were verboten to me, although my almost-twin sister (11 months my elder) has become a Jewish liturgical accordionist, and I got my ears mis-pierced in a shopping mall in Chicago attended by my son and a niece and nephew when I was 40 years old and my parents already gone.)

Anyway, back to the iTouch.  The iTouch is also an iPod, so you can load from the (free) iTunes program on your computer CDs that you have purchased (otherwise, it’s a legal “no-no”, so don’t tell me about it).  By yesterday, I had accumulated 71 apps on my iTouch.  I just counted them, and to tell you the truth, I was shocked that I have so many!  Most of them were bought (through my iTunes account) during the weekends, when I have some spare time for total abandonment to extremes of geekiness.  I did what every self-respecting spouse does: I have been hiding the bills from my spouse which come through email, although I noticed one within her eyeshot recently.  The bills are usually under $10, so I guess she’s giving me a pass.  (Note for future marital happiness article:  ok to hide things sometimes to avoid conflict.)

Anyway, yesterday, I was downloading more music CDs onto the iPod part of my iTouch.  I must have done something wrong, because afterwards, although I could listen to the music (particularly enjoying Mark O’Connor playing simple American folk songs on his new method for teaching the violin), I could no longer access any of my apps. They were there, alright, but every time I pressed on one, it teasingly showed me its homepage for a microsecond, and then went back to my app screen, where 71 apps were beaconing but playing very hard to get.  Like Pavlov’s dogs gone awry, I must have tried pressing them 50 times before I realized that it would not work, and I could not get my apps to open. 

Quite frustrated by this time, I started pressing the app icons more strongly and for longer periods.  For this, the iTouch punished me severely, like God in the Bible.   All the apps now appeared with little x’s on the upper left of the icon, and started wriggling meanly at me.  It was like they were making fun of my problems!  I must have tried this move another 50 times only to have those wriggling icons reappear.

Deterred but not unbowed, I did what any self-respecting 20^th century (whoops—21^st century) computer novice would do.  I did a Google search which went something like this:  “iTouch apps won’t turn on.”   Generally this helps me with my computer problems, or at least find other frustrated computer compatriots dealing with the same issue.  I did find some things – depressing messages about the only way to fix this was to totally reboot the iTouch, which would result in losing all your apps.  Like someone hearing a bad medical report, I just wasn’t ready to hear this bad news – at least not yet.

So I kept looking. I turned the iTouch on and off.  This is no easy feat, and requires again a Google search to see how to do it.  (The Apple site is too busy because of the rush of sales of iTouches and iPhones.) 

Then I thought back to earlier that day when I downloaded the music to the iTouch.   Yes, that’s when the problem started.  I downloaded the CDs, asked the iTunes to synchronize (that’s “sync” in computer language) to the iTouch several times.  Maybe that had something to do with it.

After my limbic brain had time to think about this for a while, I realized what must have happened.  I must have synced my iTunes to my iTouch, and since the apps were not on iTunes the sync wiped out everything on my iTouch that was not “built in” to the iTouch, including the all the apps.  That’s why when I kept perusing them on my iTouch, they kept wriggling uncomfortably.  They had been dismissed, and now were invisible.  Or to put it another way, their little bodies were photographed for me to see, but their life force had been sucked out of them.  

By then I realized, that my 71 apps, or at least the ones I really wanted, would have to be replaced.  I started going through Elisabeth Kűbler-Ross’ five stages of grief.  In computer speed, I went through denial (“this can’t be happening to me”), anger (Why me?  This is not fair!) bargaining (just give my my iWallFlower app and I’ll be happy), depression (oh, my God, I’m going to lose all my apps!), and finally, acceptance (yes, I can deal with it.  I’ll just repurchase all the apps I really want.  So what if I don’t have 71 of them anymore!).

Lost in Cyberspace, Laurie Israel 2009

Although Kübler-Ross originally applied these stages to people who were suffering from  diagnoses of terminal illness, I think the stages are fully applicable to computer mishaps and struggles, especially when they threaten to wipe out computer programs or data.   When I analyzed the down side of all of this, I figured that I would have to spend another $30 to get the apps I really wanted.  This is not like a bad medical report.  I started putting all this in perspective.

 Then the miracles started to happen.  Maybe it was when I let go, and gave up the idea of preserving or finding my apps.  Whatever it was, that, or the Hannukah spirit, all of a sudden, the computer gods became aligned in my favor. 

So I decided to reload and repay for my apps, and started first with the one that I love the very best.  It’s called iWallFlower.  (By the way, my new name is iLaurie. Please use it in all future correspondence to me.)   iWallFlower lets you make art by doodling in colors on the little iTouch screen with your finger, and then you can share your doodles with people all over the world.  It’s a good program for extroverts like me.

I deleted my iWallFlower icon (to find out how to do this took another Google search), and started to download the app again.  Lo’ and behold, as I was beginning to pay for it  (probably the best 99 cents I’ve ever spent), it told me I had already paid for it, and they would download it for free!   That was the first Hannuka miracle. 

Then I looked at my iTouch, and, decided to once more try to start an app. I chose “ocarina”, a wonderful app that sounds just like an ocarina.  And it worked!  No more wriggling icons!  And every single other icon I had on my iTouch now worked!  Another Hannuka miracle had happened!

I have no idea what happened, and why I couldn’t find anyone else with this experience on the internet.  My blog has a search engine plug-in so that hopefully this blog post will make it to cyberspace and help other hapless iTouch and iPhone users who inadvertently wipe out their apps with an iTune update.  (I think a disclaimer of liability is now appropriate, and hereby make it :  I have no idea what happened and why, so please don’t construe anything I’ve said herein as computer advice.)

But for me, a non-religious person in the prime of life, it was truly a Hannukah miracle.  The gods of cyberspace did not want me to pay for something I had already paid for.  That was the first miracle – they knew I had already paid for it and were being fair to me.  And then, when the mercy given to me would have been enough (is Passover coming?) they (or it) lit up the lights of all my apps.  Was it my letting go and accepting my fate that did it?   

I do have some lingering reservations that it actually was a miracle, but I will wait for better minds than mine to explain the anomalies and phenomena I experienced yesterday.  Does all this  say something about life?  I’m not sure, but if it does say something, it must be very profound.

Happy holidays to all of you, and may all your apps shine brightly during the coming year.

  Happy Hannuka!

I’ve been hearing the sorry tale of Tiger Woods’ alleged deficits as a faithful husband to his beautiful Swedish wife, Elin Nordegren.  It is just a more publicized and extreme version of what I see in my law practice where I spend my days as a divorce lawyer.  In youthful marriages (Tiger is 33, Elin is 29, and have been married for 5 years), the pledge of fidelity is often a difficult one to maintain.

According to Forbes Magazine, Tiger’s net worth from his work as a professional golfer is about a $600 million dollars.  (The $1 billion figure in the news is his lifetime earnings, not net worth.)

 Tiger actually fits the profile of having a good chance of having a marriage that lasted.  He met his wife four years before they were married.  Tiger’s parents remained married until his father’s death in 2006. When a child’s parents remain married, the child generally has a better chance of having a lifelong relationship. 

However, there were three strikes against him.  Tiger had become a very wealthy man at a very young age through his own efforts at his profession.  He has been a celebrity in the public light for a long time. These two factors alone can cause several personal and identity problems. And the third (probably the worst) problem is that Tiger (presumably advised by his attorneys) made sure that he entered into a Prenuptial Agreement with Elin prior to their marriage in 2004. This provided that Elin would get $20 million if she remained married to him for 10 years. 

Now, it appears that Tiger and his wife are compounding the error by renegotiating the Prenuptial Agreement, rather than just trashing it. 

Tiger’s first offer was to add another $5 million to the $20 million Elin would have received under the original terms of the Prenuptial Agreement.  Now, according to news reports, he is offering her another $80 million to remain with him another six years.  (Hmm, how much is that a year?)  Even $80 million for a man with $600 million is small change to buy Elin’s willingness to give Tiger another chance to recommit to his marriage.  So the message is, “You stay with me for another six years, and I will throw a little more  money at you if we divorce.”  It doesn’t show very much commitment on Tiger’s part.

 The sad truth is that most fundamental problem in the Tiger Woods marriage may be that they had a Prenuptial Agreement in the first place.  It allowed Tiger to have one foot in the marriage and one foot out of the marriage.  It allowed Tiger (and Elin) to contemplate a divorce and the terms of the divorce even before they took their vows.  It allowed Elin (who was 24 years old at the time of the marriage) to make decisions with a huge impact about the financial implications of the institution of marriage before which she really knew what marriage was about.  It probably made Elin feel abused and probably made Tiger feel cruel and heartless.  Not a good way to begin a marriage. 

So when Tiger and Elin got married, they did not make the 100% commitment that most other married people make on their wedding day.  They had wedding vows, but if they said  “I marry you with this ring, with all that I have and all that I am, for better or worse, for richer or poorer … ” they were not telling the truth.  Tiger and his attorneys were manipulating the terms of a very real institution that has been developed throughout the thousands of years that humans have been creating supportive, monogamous relationships.  By manipulating it with a Prenuptial Agreement, they were weakening it, not strengthening it.  It’s not surprising that Tiger may have found it relatively easy to depart from his marital vows.  He had made another (contractual) vow that conflicted with the marital vows. 

 As a result, Tiger and Elin were only half married.  Marriage requires total commitment.  A Prenuptial Agreement gives a person a “way out” of the marriage.  Without that total commitment there are bound to be marital problems and divorce.  It’s not surprising that Tiger and Elin ran into problems. Couples that depend on each other financially do not have the latitude to think about straying from the marriage.  It is actually a blessing in a marriage not to have “too much” money. 

What if Elin said to Tiger, “Yes, I will stay married to you, but only if we rip up the Prenuptial Agreement and be like real married couples.”  Yes, they would have risk and uncertainly if there is divorce. Maybe that’s a good thing.  If Tiger finally said “Yes, I will be married to you, completely”, then Elin and Tiger could start to be truly committed to their marriage without money getting in the way.  They would both be following the marriage vows, and their marriage could truly restart. 

 So Elin and Tiger, think for a moment about tearing up that Prenuptial Agreement and starting a real marriage now.  Say to each other (finally) “I marry you with all that I have and all that I am.”